If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
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a wizard dating app called bumbledore
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I’ve had worse
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.