jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
? 💀
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
the three branches of government
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers