jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed