Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I’ve been drinking.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why