For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count