I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
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FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons