What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
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Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.