*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
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I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I love art.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.