To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.![]()
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waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
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I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
When you don’t understand how floors work
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FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.