To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza


If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”


Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.


Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.


My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.


‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’


I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”


[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”