To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.