[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
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My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
technically true but not a great slogan
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.