The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
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rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
“Why you watching this shit?”
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
The Book. The Movie.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it