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God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.