The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS