Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
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A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages