My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
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I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
*bites zombie*
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware