batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
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I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.