Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
You Might Also Like
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!