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me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?