The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
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i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.