My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
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I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.