Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
You Might Also Like
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
At least try to make it slightly believable
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”