ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
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Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Venn
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.