I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
You Might Also Like
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
It’s the weekend y’all
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.