Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
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After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me buying fruit and veg
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%