My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
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Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.