I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
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Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single