if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.