They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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I might carry a baby with one hand.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.