Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
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I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Saw online –
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM