INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
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Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly