When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
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That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Ironic
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”