You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

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How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.


Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂


Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.


If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you


For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard


I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them


There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.


*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…