You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*