It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
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Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.