Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
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I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting