Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
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I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
a badder mouse
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.