I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
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“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
When ur friends with white people
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.