Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

The internet is magic sometimes.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

😂🐾

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?