[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
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my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Good morning, Twitter 😊
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages