A lot of folks out there missing the point…
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“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Hitlers gonna hitl
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
WTF
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.