“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
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It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”