“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
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“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My dog learned how to text
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back