Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
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I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Love it! 👍😂
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”