If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.