*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
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It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
A double negative is a big no-no.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull