Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
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Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Siri, fight Alexa.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?