Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
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new career option?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Oops
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.