Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
You Might Also Like
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?