Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
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“you changed” bro i was 15
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?