Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

#MeanwhileinCanada

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon