I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
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To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero