Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
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First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.