Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
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I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening