I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
My plans: 2020:
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours