I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.