If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
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I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
⛄️
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight